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with a soft sprinkle of lust
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sixteen and i mature every 1310. bubbly and cheerful in the outside, broken and shattered in the inside. i have the greatest ooofve girlfriends, a lovely soul sister&darling, and a wonderful daddie whose been there with me thru the ups and downs. |
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Monday, November 23, 20093:06 AM
 SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES. my entry's gna be long & wordy. dont read unless you're a fat ass kaypoh who wants to know what's happening in my life aye(: so here goes; havent been out since prom. wow right? i know. i was thinking that this will make it easier for me to go out today. well, i was wrong. yea. totally. the plan was to ton, but thanks to my oh so lovely father, he told me not to go fr it today morning. hell yeah i was damn fucking pissed with him. throwed tentrums like hell, i swear. ton takley, nk jumpe dian takley. nk keluar skejap pon takley. I CANT EVEN STEP OUT OF THIS HELL. and what?! the reason he gave me was,"oh i have a bad feeling of you gg out today." wth? that's not even a solid reason! okay then. i dont want to follow my family out. i dont want to do what you ALL want me to do. i dont want to talk to you. i dont want to go on a holiday with you. i dont want to stay home. wana know why? CAUSE I HAVE A BAD FEELING ABT IT. HA-HA. amaciam?! alright paaa?! ----------- dear father, why are you & the rest treating me this way? why are you always pushing me aside and yet people say i'm pampered? why do all of you have to focus on the negative side of me? why are all my effort not even seen? why do i have to paste a smile on face everytime? why dont you try to listen to me? why isnt anyth i say matters? why do i care so much of what you think, when you dont even care abt mine? why am i the only one whose got to fit into your picture? why am i only happy for the moment and not most of the time? why are other families small but wonderful when mine is big and broken? why are they happy&easy when money is a problem to them, while here i am living a catasrophic life when money isnt much of a problem? even then they can get what they want. and me? pffft! habok jer ader! argh. why why why? why am i the one having to face all of this? - i'm atrociously broken, and guess what? you dont even know that i'm in this state. - and, why do you always pretend infront of others that you freaking care abt me? why do you say words when you dont even mean any of em? why must you be the one setting my life? why cant i lead em and you support me? why cant i do anyth that i like? why is it that what i like is what u detest? why are you pinning so much hopes on me and i have to achieve em? pfft. you set high hopes when what? the littlest that i expect from you is never received. i swear, i'm trying real hard to be strong & pretend to be alright infront of you when deep down, i'm tearing up myself. how nice.. none of this is what you see. what you see is always the opposite. - "study hard, play hard" HA-HA. so much for 'play hard'. i went out two days straight aft o's and you're alrd complaining that i'm gg out so often and i'm coming home late. WOW. 1030 is late? and why do you even care? i've not been asking money from you since raye. wait! i did, and what'd you say? "you asyik mintak duit jer! pakai your duit la. you got duit raye kan." :) then when all my money is gone only on my ezlink & food fr me to survive, you shout at me saying,"asal boleh habis?! abah da kasih duit pon boleh habis?!!" THANKS EH. i know you love me too much and that's the reason why say it kan? thats like the sweetest way for you to express it kan? - a few days before prom, i asked for cash from you. and what? you said tkde duet so fluently. WOW. then when i wanted to sell my hp, your beloved daughter ungkit balik cerite. - "takley jual beh abah harap i dapat duet dari maner?! tunggu duet jatoh dari langit?!" "e'eh.. mcm tuh pulak..you yg tak mintak abah.." "AH IYER LA TUH TK MINTAK. dgr dgr biler i mintak abah kasih per? asal kan i mintak siket jer, abah kate i asyik mintak duet la, abah tkde duet la." "ah, cube mintak abah lagi la laen kali.." "ah pape la!" -i hung up- - dear father, can you please please please stop giving me false hopes? it really hurts me everytime that happens. can you please stop making empty promises? PLEASE LA! I'M BEGGING.. i'm losing grip more and more each day. father, why are you so empty? why? why is everything nothing to you when it comes to me? how come i never seem to satisfy you? why is it that its never up to your standard? y'know what? i stopped myself from shouting at you back, and this is what i always get in return. in the past, when i shout back you, mother will cry & receiving scoldings from you is almost inevitable. but hey! at least you guys will listen to me. however to see you cry is too heartwrecking. precisely why i restrain myself from shouting at you. but look at me now. the nicer i am, the more you step on me. i can simply choose to chg again okay. - the fact that i cant stand the feeling when i disappoint you hurts me even more. wow! if i can x ray my heart, i think my heart will be full of scatches. alright lets drop it. tears are gona continue to fall if i keep this going. haish. - i love my dad. i love my mom. i love my family ): ------------------ WHAT'S HERE ENDS HERE. DON'T ASK ME ANYTHING. AND HEY. I'M NOT THE TOPIC OF EVERY MAGAZINE. SO FUCK, KEEP ME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. THANKS. Labels: dont assume my family is perfect |