|
with a soft sprinkle of lust
profile♥
journal♥
tagboard♥
|
|
|
sixteen and i mature every 1310. bubbly and cheerful in the outside, broken and shattered in the inside. i have the greatest ooofve girlfriends, a lovely soul sister&darling, and a wonderful daddie whose been there with me thru the ups and downs. |
tag to be linked ♥
don't spit bullshits |
TOP OF PAGE
Wednesday, November 25, 20098:02 AM
MONDAY ; "jgn la.. dont go out today. abah tk rase sedap hati la.. esok la. kay? your plans today move to tmr. esok can go out." -FATHER - TUESDAY; "YOU NAK PI MANER?!" "huh? keluar la." "NO! TAKPAYA!" "huh..? kenaper?" "ABAH CKP TKMO KAN! BETTER BE BACK BY SIX!" - and guess what time it was? 2.20(: - "AH! MARAH LA TUH! YOU DAH KENAPE!!" "marah la. saper sey yg tkkn marah. smalam abah suroh move the plans to today. abeh skarang abah suroh balek pukol 6. aper nieh abahh..? ape maksod abah? i tak paham tauu motive abah." "YOU TAK PAHAM ABAHHH??!!! ABAH YANG TAK PAHAM YOU!!!" [half hanging his hand wanting to slap me] - and there i go, into the toilet, sitting on the jamban. so yea, while doing sooo... "abg, you pi tanye adeq you maner dier nak pi. buat aper. abah tkleh tahan dgn prangai dier. semakin hari, semakin......................" [couldnt hear him anymore] - oh wow. he cant stand me? whats his fucking problem? i listen to him & its been years since i've shouted back at him. and i dont go against his words. what else does he want? he wants me to study. he wants me to go to MONASH in KL after o's. and ya, i agreed. even when i told him i want to go to SP. haish. - msged mom, "mama.. are you free? i need someone to confide in.." waited for 5 mins, but no reply. wiped my tears & restrained any from rolling even more & went out. instantly took my bag, kept evth that i needed, and SALAM MY DAD. before heading out ; "AH, DAH NAK KELUAR LA TUH!" [silence] "ASAL YOU NANGIS!!" [silence] "YOU NAK NANGIS PON BUAT APER?! HUH! ABAH BUAT GINI PON PASAL ABAH SYG YOU TAHU TAK?!" [silence] (salam him..) - there and then, i was already dialing mom's number. guess what? father was staring at my hp in dislike. wow! its a sin is it? so yea. c losed the door & i ran up to the 12th floor, crying like hell. i swear, i couldnt stand the pain. exactly on the 8th floor, mom picked up. i could tell she was sad to her me like this. its like, the first time i ever chose to let my feelings out. all this while, i have been following their flow. haish.. i told her evth that happened including the fact that my dad stared at my hp. - "mama... i tak paham abah.. ape abah nak.. i dgr kater abah.. i tk lawan kater abah.. and yet, he still gives me false hope.. ape nieh.. ape motive abah.. mama.. i takleh tahan lagi.." "dah lah yang.. mama tkleh cakap pape skarang.. mama pon tk tahu ape sebab abah.." - "why not, you go home, mandi pastu tdo.. tunggu mama balik kay? then we talk.." "taknak.. i taknak balik.. nieh i balik, nnt bukan abah yg marah.. abg marah i dulu.. i taknakk... eventho i pernah bilang my feelings to him, abg mcm.. tak kisah. mama tahu tak?..." "tkp. balik then tros tdo kay?" "i taknakk........ i balik, lagi pedih ma.. i tknk blek.." "takmo la ckp gitu.. tk syg mama ker? tunggu kay.." "taknak.." "la, then nak jumpe patne? pat bawah blk?" "taknak...." "kalau tknk bawa blk, then nk patne? pat marsiling mrt, kay? 6.15.. mama tunggu kay?" "mama................... i taknak balik..." "maner boleh.. you kalau tk smpai, mama tk balik. mama tunggu sampai you datang. kay?" "em.. okay.." "6.15, kay?" "kay." - - haish. talked to mom for 20 minutes, and what? i still dint want to hang up. i still couldnt stop crying. i still coudnt stand the pain. and my heart still hurt till this very moment ): - dear father, why are you so harsh? why are you behaving so cold towards me? why do you say you love me in msg, but you've never said that upfront before? why father why? are you embarresed? or do you not mean it at all? is that why its so hard for you to tell me? - on my birthday, i waited for your msg till i slept. but yea, i understand. you cant possibly wait till 12 right? you must be tired.. so yes, you texted me, "happy birthday. semoga panjang umur&murah rezeki. stay happy. study hard. abah will pray for you. i will be arriving tonight. i love you" WOW. I LOVE YOU?! STAY HAPPY?! ha-ha. is that the first or what? did you know, reading that made me smile, but at the same time sad? i teared because of that okay. that msg made me want to make you smile. it made me want to study harder so that you will be proud of me. so yea. i purposely made myself free the whole day just because i wanted to wait for you. but to know LAST MINUTE that you will be arriving at night, i went out with tasha just to get myself a book which i fell in love with as present fr myself. and yet, the day wasnt that fun due to some reasons, right babe? haish. but yea. at 7, i was already rushing back home. i dint want to be late.. aku sanggup cab home from marsiling okay! ): tapi.. tak worth it. sumpah. - otw to airport, i cried. know why? cause i miss him truck loads. i texted q. pouring all my feelings to her. i was atrociously weak, y'know? back then, abt haizad, abt my dad.. GUYS. what do you expect kan? - "you dimane? abah dah sampai tau. abah di tiang 9." -to mom. - "alamak. abah jaoh la. pat saner takde tempat.. ader trolley.." - kakak "takpe. you just park here." -mom "hee. kkay takpe. i go call him here :D " -ME - i was searching high and low fr him. and when i found him, i was sooooooo happy. overjoyed actually. i ran towards him, hoping that i could hug him. but guess what he said instead? - "ASAL KAKAK PARK SANER?!" "ah.. pasal ader trolley." [walking towards kakak's car..] - "ABAH!" -kakak "hello! how are you?"abah "i'm fine.. abah! you know what?! that time kan...." and there they go , talking happily ever after. - dear father, why is it that you can talk happily with kakak.. but when its me, you will always shout & talk to me at a very high tone? why? why is it that you are very soft to her and very firm and harsh towards me? ): is it because she's what you want, and i'm not yet up to your standard? do i have to be an exact c lone of kakak for you to treat equaivalantly? why is it that you say you love us the same but the way you show it is as tho you pilih kasih? why are you so evil? why? father, i love you. i really do. i'm not saying it just because. i really mean it. eventho you are like this towards me, i continue to try to make you happy. nevertheless, the outcome is still the same. no worries! i dint give up. knowing tht maybe one day, just maybe, i will finally be what you want. i hope.. ): - dear father, i told mom that i gave up. mom looked so sad to see and hear me that way. but in return, mom was warm enough. she motivated me. she told me to look forward and not backwards. mom said, no more foresee. cause we wouldnt know how much you will chg in a day, right? eventho mom's words are right, but you will always be you. you will chg, but for the moment. it wouldnt be long. - dear father, i dont hate you. i just hate the way you treat me. however so, i believe that time would heal it all. - - dian said i'm a good daughter. simple words made me cry. why? cause it hurts. that other people could see that, and yet in his eyes, i'm a disgrace. others could see that i'm trying real hard. but to him? i'm ignoring it. haish. THANKS DEE, FOR BEING THERE. syg kau(: - so yes. i'm still broken, but i try hard to portray a happy me. sorry zach if i havent been texting you. sorry haikal, cause i'm ignoring you even more when i'm online. sorry everyone. i just dont feel like it. - i only texted like what, fuad&dee only these days. - i miss 4e1 ): i miss the ooofve girls ): i miss shaykh ): i miss haikal ): i miss syafiq ) i miss eza ): i miss schoool ): - i want to go back to the past. i want to let the good times roll.. but, yea.. that's just bullshit kan? how can we ever do that unless we built a time machine? - "mama.. what kind of a 16 yr old looks forward to death?" - i'm sooooooooo saddddd right now. seriously speaking. i'm not in the mood for anyth. i dint meet auntie & uncle & daddie today just cause i was so weak. anw, i could tell i'm not allowed out. to hell with that! i'm gg out tmr wthr you like it or not. so what if i cant come home late? i'll go out early then! see! even they are willing to do it cause they know that you're being like this. and what? they want to meet just because they miss me. but you, PFFT. to hear you say i miss you, to receive a sincere hug, to even receive anyth sweet, HAHA. sampai aku mati pon tk akan la! - no, maybe i will. on the day that i die. "one will learn to treasure when its gone" must you wait till that happens? must you wait till then to realise all of these? if that's what it takes, then you wait. one day, when that happens, pls. dont regret. eventho i know that its inevitable, i just hope he knows that i loved him all along. - i should stop. its making me cry even more. )': - thanks y'all. for caring. thanks friends for trying to cheer me up(: syg korangszx! - Labels: i love my mom to bits and pieces |